Saturday, October 10, 2009

dance with my father again*

It has been almost a month since I last updated my blog or visited your blogs. Last time I said that I was back to the blogsphere in full force , but turned out I wasn't. I plead guilty to that. I am a repeat offender, since it was not the first time I did this :).

Anyway, yesterday was the 6th year of my beloved father's passing. I thought that I would be at ease after several years. But I wasn't, although it's so much easier than the first three years after he died. I was basically in a constant grieve at that time. I kept looking for an answer if I have made him happy. Every single night I hope he would come to my dream and tell me the answer I was looking for. But for almost three year he never did. But just few days before the 1000th day commemoration of his death (people in Indonesia hold ceremony to send prayer for the dead on 7th day, 40th day, 100th day, 1000th day of the passing) he came to my dream. He didn't say anything, he just smiled. I cried in my dream, and real tear came down my cheek. I woke up soaking wet and cried like I never cry before. I don't believe in dream. I have chosen since a long time ago to believe what Sigmund Freud stated in The Interpretation of Dreams, that dreams were a reflection of human desires and were prompted by external stimuli. But that time I wanted to believe otherwise. I wanted to believe that it was real, not just a reflection of my desire. That he did come to me and talk to me.
For once, I beseech my own permission not to go with my intellectual process of thinking. For once, I wanted to allow myself to believe in my dreams and all the superstitious things that tag along. So I could end the long journey of finding the answer. And I felt content.

Now, although I've accepted the reality that he's not here with us anymore, but I still couldn't help but feeling of loss every time I think about him. I couldn't help but missing him. Yesterday, my two sisters posted childhood photos of us and him on their Facebook. And for the first time I could look at the pictures without feeling sad or grieve. I smiled. A big smile. I cherish the beautiful memories I had with him.

But then I saw my mom's status on her Facebook, how she misses my dad so bad. That really torn me apart....

By the way, my younger sister and I, always pay a visit to Pier 17 every year on the commemoration of my dad's passing and put flowers there and my sister would pray. Our father's body was cremated and his ashes were scattered on the sea. So we think it's only appropriate to visit an open water to remember him. Open water connects to each other, right? Today, we went to Pier 17. And I get the chance to have my sisters took some pictures of me.


Here they are


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wearing: h&m striped shirt, black shirt, cardigan || F21 black balloon skirt || h&m black leather gloves || unbranded tights || aldo grey buckled boots || kate spade green canvas bag


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Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spend me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

Chorus:
If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Verse 2:
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me(yeah, yeah)
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night, when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

Chorus:
If I could steal
One final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Verse 3:
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
I'd hear how my mother cried for him
(2x) I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she' s dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream


21 comments:

myrrh goldframe said...

='( i blame on you for makin me cry on this sunday morning. This story truly touching me for so many reasons. This Oct 10th, My late beloved father celebrated his birthday. I cried while praying for his goodness. I can't believe your father passed on the date nearly my father's bday... And last night he came to my dream for receiving my bday kiss. I was so glas till Cried when i woke up. ='( . It's been 5 years, since my dad passed away too, and i truly unable to forget the sad moment. Then i know he has gone for a reeason, he wants me to be tough and inedependent. as i saw a figure of you. Inspiring me a lot. This Luther's song is my SOUNTRACK to remember him also. Always tearing my heart everytime i heard this song.

Let's kiss our Fathers. <3333. Love never end.

ps: this shots makes me smile after cryin while typing the comment. I missed you.

Stain On My Red Shoes said...

@lauretha: big hug for you. it's coincident, my dad passed away in the morning of October 10th!

myrrh goldframe said...

and still i couldn't stop cryin because of your post right now. blame you. hahha . I'm laughing while cryin = funny thing. Sekekar - kekarnya kita .. this topic truly much sensitive for me. D'oh!

ragilmega said...

Dhyyyt!! Bootsnya kereeeen :D
belom dingin banget ya di sana? Iya nih di sini udah saljuan aja.. kecepetan 2 bulan. Udah gak bisa gegayaan lagi gue :(
Btw rambut lo panjangan jadi lucu dehhh kamuuuu :D

Yofany said...

ahh. i love that songs too. anyway. nice pics. :P

Claradevi said...

Dhyta... This is a beautiful and sentimental story, despite of the sad feelings written inside it. I don't have similar experience but I understand how heartbreaking it is to lost someone we do really love sincerely... But the way you adapt and overcome with the sadness is truly inspiring and touch my heart. You're the real tough girl and somehow I believe that you'll be living many many more bright and wonderful days ahead. It's a bless to know, and If I may say, have a friend, like you. I'm all with you by thoughts and heart. Sending you every love I have. Take care... :)

hanzky said...

Dhyyt..I think this is the first time I saw the mellow side of you..:). It's been a little over a year and I've only dreamed about my dad once, and it made me feel bad..kesannya gue gak kangen gitu padahal gue pengen banget mimpiin bokap..:(. I'm sure your dad is happier now knowing that you feel content with what happened..:)

F i K a said...

really nice post dhyta :)..it touches me a lot..I almost crying when reading your post :'(..
I'm sure that your dad must be proud of you and He already happy in heaven with GOD almighty..

anw,,your boots is awesome !! ;D

Lidwina Grata said...

awww your story really touching, i believe your father's proud of you up there :')

anyway, the sky is amazing in BW pic and so it your boots, i love them :D

God's Favorite Shoes! said...

I love that sweater and boots. That song is beautiful. Sorry for your loss.

t a l i s h a said...

this post bring tears to my eyes. i miss my dad all of a sudden.))':
be strong kak, i know he's watching over you and the rest of the family from above. (:

bisou-joue said...

nice outfit ! I love your little bubble skirt : so cute !

Damsels said...

this was pretty heart breaking to read .. im glad you guys do some thing each year to commemorate ... i love the piers.
i understand completely about how tough it can be to keep up the blogging for a long list of reasons .. but i always love to see your posts ...

Sassy said...

I'm so sorry about your father's passing. You described your grief so well that I have tears in my eyes. I think it's strong of you telling all of us readers about your loss and grief. Take care!

talithafaqia said...

sist, that's my fav song too..hugs n kisses 4 u..=)
be tough!

Lena said...

dhyt, kalo tanya mec, pasti bilang dream is not always freudian in meaning hehe.
have to say, sometimes i don't treat my parents as i should, i guess you don't know what you've got until you lose it. thanks for reminding, sis! :D

btw the boots are killa, kayaknya enak dipake juga ya...

tje2p said...

Aah Dhytaaa...*hugs*

Bokap lo pasti bahagia punya anak kaya lo, secaraaa...fashionista gituh :D *hugs*

Sabila Anata said...

For me dreaming is something very special , because you can do anything in your dreams that you can't do in real life
But sometimes dreams are pretty scary like today i had a nightmare .
You story is very touching and i know that you really LOVE you dad , so do i
By reading this post , that makes me realize that i have to be more respectful to my dad .
And i am VERY SURE that your dad is really proud of you and so do i :)
Always will love reading your blog

Velo said...

i loveeeeeeee ur jacket and ur boots!
nice place! =D
perfect scenery

Eleh said...

this entry is really beutiful. one can only imagine the pain your mum is enduring.

Anonymous said...

It was rather interesting for me to read this article. Thanx for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to this matter. BTW, why don't you change design :).